Dying A Thousand Deaths

To be honest with you I feel like I’m going to die suddenly sometimes.

I’m not ashamed of this fact, it’s just the way it is. Interestingly, I have developed a rather deep sense of acceptance when it comes to feeling fear and anxiety symptoms.

I accept the feelings and thoughts without much commotion, but I still think that instant death is likely at least every other Thursday or so.

That’s the amazing thing about anxiety that I still have trouble understanding. It’s particularly hard to understand because I have a rather clear notion of the inner workings of my body and brain when its dragging me through yet another horror ride.

I understand that my thoughts sometimes lie to me and suggest things to me that are not true. That my body will mimic real disease while it exercises its pent-up anxiety and nervous energy in the form of palpitations and chest pain.

I know what is going on and yet I manage to become fooled by it all. There I was at my desk today for instance, calm and serene in many ways. Casually smiling at passerby’s as they waved and winked their way past my desk at the office. And the entire time I was dying inside.

I continued with my task and moved my limbs with the deliberate motions of a sane person ,but inside the turmoil was raging. Here is a peak at my thoughts, “oh yeah this is it a heart attack, oh wait no now I can’t breathe. There is something in my throat, damn I can’t breathe. Dying at work is going to suck.”

Then I stood up and slowly made my way to the rest room for a pep talk. In the mirror I stared to remind myself of all the things I needed to be reminded of. It’s OK, just anxiety, no real health problem, it will pass.

But as we all know you can’t reason with anxiety most of the time. You either wait it out or you go to sleep. Every hour or so I thought I was going to die despite the fact that my logical mind ridiculed this baseless idea.

In the past I used to actually run around, pace, and appear frantic when this would happen. Now I do all the pacing in mind as I ride it out. It’s just what I have to do sometimes. It’s nice to have a certain level of acceptance because it allows you to be physically calm while you’re mentally distraught (doing both simultaneously is harder).

But many tiny deaths is what it feels like. Is it this time or will it be next time? Truth be told I actually experience these types of episodes a lot less than I used to. I suppose what we must keep in mind is that these mini deaths are a fallacy of the mind, a creation of fear.

This is the part that creates exhaustion, frustration, and impatience with time. But of course we have to see the good in experiencing such things. Ultimately when we feel bad, anxious, and afraid is precisely the time when we can measure how we are doing.

It’s a time to try new tricks, tools, and techniques to calm ourselves. To practice managing the out of control fear that builds up inside of us so that when it gets real bad, at a bad time or place, we can be just a little more prepared. It’s no fun to die that many times, but every time I die of fear I learn to fear a bit less.

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