Why I Hate Having Anxiety Disorder

photo credit: JelleS

Usually I like to talk about tips and information that anxiety sufferers can use to cope with anxiety disorder.  Today, however, I feel like ranting so that is what I shall do.

All of you don’t know that I have been writing less because I have gone back to school.  You see, I obtained a rather useless bachelors degree in History and I have decided to obtain my PhD in a scientific discipline to compensate.  As a result, I don’t have time to even watch a few minutes of late night television much less write blog posts.

This new reduction in free time has also made me focus more on all the things I hate, and at the top of the list is anxiety.  I mean really, this semi disease really makes me mad, especially because I can’t break the code on it.  I’ve been trying to hack this bug for over a decade with mixed results.

I think a list will better illustrate the things that piss me off the most:

1.  I go to the movies less because I have mild paranoia.  When I do go to the cinema I feel like there is a possibility that it will be blown up by a terrorist (dynamite vest and all).  Now clearly this is absurd, ridiculous, and dumb all at the same time, but that is what my anxiety tells me.  It’s a broken Spider-Man sense that conjures up fake realities at every opportunity.

2.  This next thing is a huge one.  I have not been drunk for over 10 years.  During my college years I got drunk exactly zero times because I was too afraid to drink.  And even today I cannot comfortably consume alcohol.  Even whine coolers (wine coolers!!!) make me nervous.  I used to drink and loved it, I just want to get buzzed every now and then.

Believe me I know the score on alcohol and anxiety.  I am fully aware of the link between drinking and feeling nervous but I still want some beer.

3.  I hate meeting new people.  I can’t stand meeting strangers because of how self conscious I am.  I am tremendously afraid of potential ridicule and people flat out not liking me.  I know this sounds shallow,  but I’m ranting and also being brutally honest.

4.  I can’t stand that I can’t connect with my wife.  My wife is a brilliant, beautiful, caring, and wonderful partner.  And given all those qualities she has to put up with me turning her down for outings all the time and just plain acting like a weirdo.  I handle going out just fine now, but I feel like I never have fun.  Like I have some inner mechanism that prevents long periods of joy and happiness.

5.  I am also exhausted.  I am mentally and physically fried from all the years of anxiety and stress.  I’m always worried, irritated, mad, and just unsatisfied with myself.

photo credit: JelleS

What is the most frustrating is that I can’t share half this crap with anyone.  The feeling that “no one understands” is pervasive.  My wife gets it, along with 5 text messages a day about new anxiety symptoms.  But she can only reassure me so much before she gets a little tired too.  And once she is fed up then I’m all out of sympathy time.

I know so much about anxiety that it makes me sick.  I could grab a stranger and fill their head with information, jargon, and possible solutions for anxiety and yet I am still sick.

I hate that doctors have brushed me off, I hate that no one really understands the cause of anxiety disorders, I hate that anxiety gets no light in the national media, I just hate being nervous all the damn time.  I live with a very low level, but ever present, anxiety and it eats me up.

I am simultaneously the nicest person you may ever meet, but also filled with absolute rage that I was born with this genetic and mental defect.  I resent having to endure this pain but at the same time I love life.

Ultimately this is why I even bother writing this blog.  Because I want to help people feel just a lot less anxious and stressed.

Don’t get me wrong I realize the good things in life too.  I have come a long way since my first panic attack in 1999.  I finished my preliminary education, I married the girl of my dreams, and I have a beautiful baby boy.  I think I have things in clear perspective, but sometimes… sometimes I just get mad and want to vent and that’s all this is.

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