What is self-confidence, really?
Well. Here’s one way of looking at it.
Do you care about what other people think about you?
If you suffer from anxiety or depression then chances are you do, a lot actually.
That’s one of the biggest reasons why you stay anxious. You’re always acting out alternative versions of events that have already happened in that little head of yours.
You might often wonder if you said the right thing or if a certain somebody was looking at you strangely. You might also ask yourself things like, what exactly did she mean when she said “Yeah, whatever?”
This constant monitoring of other people’s emotions and reactions is tiring, time-consuming, and cranks things up on the anxiety dial.
Obviously this isn’t news to you, but what might be is that you can slow down this tendency.
I was looking for a podcast to listen to on NPR awhile back and came across a short but very informative podcast about a woman named Traci Foust. She’s the author of Nowhere Near Normal: A Memoir of OCD.
The book is about Traci’s struggle with OCD, when it started, how she was diagnosed, and what she did about it.
Anyway, toward the end she mentioned that one of the things that really helped her to get a handle on her anxiety was to simply say two words: So what?
Traci mentions that this was particularly helpful when trying to stop her obsession with what other people thought of her. Traci realized that this constant self-monitoring was causing her a lot of anxiety and that in the end there wasn’t any good reason for it.
She would repeat the phrase “So what?” to herself on a daily basis. This was to remind herself, to convince herself, that it doesn’t matter what others think about you.
I’ll concede that you better care about what your partner thinks about you, or your dog maybe, but the random fellow walking down the street? No so much.
Look, there isn’t any possible way in the world that everyone will always like you. There are just too many variables involved and, in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
Take a chance and believe me on this, 99.9% of people who walk past you on any given day forget about you the second you’re out of sight.
Even if you realize that someone doesn’t like you, so what?
Move on. Instead, focus on things you can control, like what you think about yourself, what things you can do to improve your life, you know, stuff that matters.
So let me answer the question directly – What is self-confidence?
In a nutshell, self-confidence is believing in yourself and not giving other people the power to define you. You do this by not caring so much about what they think about you.
Because once you stop caring so much about things like that – things you can’t control – the sooner you’ll start to be yourself.
In this regard, being authentic and cool with yourself is much more than a virtue, it’s the gateway to peace of mind.
Your thoughts?
I can relate to what you’ve written here. I have zero self confidence and constantly worry what other people think about me, from the way I look (I have BDD) to my personality, parenting skills, everything! Anything I think people can judge me on I believe they are doing it. Depression, anxiety, panic, agoraphobia all magnifies my self doubt and low self esteem.
Great point Sarah, magnification of self-doubt and low self-esteem. That’s exactly what I was talking about.
It’s truly not a good thing when we are wrapped up in the opinion of other people.
It’s somewhat of a natural thing to do that, however, I believe it can be overcome if that’s your aim.
I have used that exact saying for a long time, but I don’t remember where I saw it the first time…maybe in that podcast. I use it for almost any “what if?” thought I have. Obviously it doesn’t work every single time, but it does make you think about your anxieties in a different way. “What if my anxiety makes me go crazy?” “So what. If I go crazy I won’t care that I am anymore.”
Sometimes my anxiety does make me lose confidence in myself and my ability to make decisions. I question everything I do because I worry that my anxiety fueled thoughts will lead me to make bad decisions and that people I love will stop loving me because of the anxiety someday.
That is a very good point Stephanie.
“What if my anxiety makes me go crazy? If it does, I won’t know it, so I won’t care.”
That is the logic I’ve had ever since my whole “fear of going crazy” started. It has eased the fear and at times I don’t even think about it anymore. Do I feel 100% okay? No, but perspective is key. In my opinion, anxiety is all about perspective, and if you can change that, you may not get rid of your anxiety but you’ll give yourself some relief.
I constantly always think about what people think of me and I try to live my life to please them, jst so that they can say im a good person. I am a neat freak and i live with my mother who doesnt care whether the house is clean or not. She asked me one day why do i always wanna keep the house clean even when thrs no time to clean, and “I said what if an unexpected viisitor walked in and the house was a mess.” My mother replied by saying “SO WHAT” its your home not theirs. I realised at that moment that yes im a clean person but when I clean i dnt do it because I want to be clean but because I worry about what people will say if the house is dirty.
Natashia, I’m trying to break that habit too. Doing things for or because of other people doesn’t make it nearly as rewarding as if you just decide you are cleaning the house for you. It’s hard to do things “for yourself” sometimes because you think it’s selfish, but if a clean house makes you happy, then it’s a good thing.
It’s hard to take it to heart but I try to remember that when I do things for myself, I am happier, my husband is happier, everyone is happier.
VERY TRUE indeed; although I have been living with this for long years, BUT now onward I shall also be repeating as and when that thought pops up…SO WHAT
Thanks for this & Regards
Another home run, Paul! Thanks for this one!
Great post. For me, seeking approval used to mean I had a difficult time saying no to people. Saying no at work, with my family and even with my spouse was so difficult. I was always afraid to say no because I wanted everyone to like me. However, by not saying no, when I needed to, I became resentful, stressed out, and of course anxious. I have learned that I have to say no to protect my mental health. The people in life who love me, didn’t stop loving me when I stood up for myself, and those people who didn’t like my new found assertiveness were probably not people I needed in my life anyway. I still struggle with saying no, but I am much better than I was.
Thanks Paul for another great post. I used to be somewhat self confident, but over the years since I developed Fibromyalgia, I have lost that confidence. The weight gain that came on with inactivity, and the annoying symptoms of fatigue and pain have made me uncomfortable out in public, since I feel people are judging me. The weight gain, while not huge, has made me feel self-conscious when I go into a coffee shop and order a medium or large drink, since I think people are thinking ‘that’s why she’s fat’. It seems silly, but in this world of celebrity worship, it seems like we are all supposed to be thin and beautiful. I like the ‘so what’ attitude mentioned in your post. We all have our burdens to bear, and we should just carry on to the best of our ability, regardless of what we think others are thinking of us. I’m sure people don’t even care what size of coffee I get – funny how things like that play on our mind.
great article Paul, something i will try to do in the future… “who cares!”
Perfect. I’ve been reading countless sites on anxiety/depression/ocd and I find that I am most comfortable reading and feel engaged to your website. I look forward to reading more articles from you. Your material is SO helpful and I would like to thank you a bunch! Thank you 🙂
I truly can relate to many things you’ve written. But theres is one thing I contradict. You mention at the end that in order to have a healthy self esteem, you first have to stop caring what people think. In my opinion I think its the other way around. I belive that you first have to have a healthy self esteem in order to stop caring what people think. Once you have obtained a healthy self esteem, Your will automatically stop mind reading. You will no longer need other people to define you. Why? because you have already define yourself in a healthy way. You will no longer need other people’s opinion of you. I truly belive you can’t simply stop caring what people think. You only have to work on your self esteem and then the rest will simply leave by itself. you simply can’t have a low self esteem and then suddenly stop caring what people think. Because if your self esteem is low, you automatically let other people define you.Why? because you really haven’t define yourself yet. If you want to kill a tree, you don’t cut the branches, you cut the root and the tree dies. The same applies here, if you want to stop caring what people think, you first have to work on your self esteem.And then all the rest will be history. This is just my opinion. Thank you for reading.