For a long time I was afraid to be happy. I was afraid to laugh too strongly, I was afraid to get carried away with any overly positive feeling because it would make me nervous. It sounds strange to say but I was holding on to myself tightly (emotionally speaking) so I wouldn't lose control, or at least that was the thought process.  Anxiety has a way of doing all kinds of things to you and destroying your sense of joy is a major one. It took me years before I realized that laughing hard wasn't fatal and that smiling and talking to others